Mac was drinking his coffee this morning when he accidentally inhaled instead of swallowing. This resulted in a massive coughing fit during which one of the buttons on his shirt actually popped off under the strain and flew across the room narrowly missing hitting me in the head. Poor Mac was mortified. In all fairness the shirt was strained to breaking point before the coughing fit so it was almost inevitable that a button would go sooner or later. It’s not only me that all the cakes are catching up with.
“Oh my God, I could have had your eye out!” she said, blushing beetroot red. “I’m turning into a health hazard and I’ve got more spare tires here than the Michelin man. That is it! I’m going on a diet starting now,” with that he picked up his half eaten cake (please note he was the only one with a cake, I had a nice healthy banana) and threw it in the bin rather petulantly.
I was trying hard not to laugh. I had to pretend I needed the loo to calm myself down. By the time I came back from the loo Mac was Googling diets. And for the next half hour he kept reading different ones out to me. Obviously, if he was doing it I was going to be doing it with him, it didn’t look like I had a choice in the matter. We both discounted Weight Watchers and Slimming World because neither of us could face the embarrassment of a public weigh in. Lighter life was too expensive (for me anyway) and nothing but liquids just sounds so drastic, never mind that it’s only just over 500 calories a day. How can anyone function on that? The Cambridge diet did at least have bars as well as the liquids but the calories were even lower so that was out. I did try a similar thing years ago and, although I lost some weight, I was horrible to live with and the weight came back, plus another load, straight after I stopped. He did mention the cabbage soup diet but before he’d got the word cabbage out I warned him off that idea. Imagine both of us farting away all day in this little office.
In the end we settled on the Atkins diet. I know it’s got a bad press but I think that’s if you stay on it long term. Loads of celebrities swear by it and you are supposed to lose as much as ten pounds in the first two weeks. That part is called induction and you have to limit your carbs to twenty grammes a day which does sound really low. I’m pretty sure I can live without bread and potatoes and rice, even vegetables but I think it will be hard to go without fruit. I love fruit. Mac said sugar and milk in his coffee would be tough until we saw that you could have cream (sounds a bit odd considering the calories in cream but still) and he can have sweeteners. On the upside, you can have as much cheese, meat, fish and eggs as you like and even mayo and butter. Although quite what you’d have butter on remains to be seen with no bread.
I spent the rest of the morning trying to work out what I could have for dinner and how I was going to cope without my muesli in the morning. Oh well, it’s worth a try and at least we’ll both be in it together.